"I thought you cared about me. I guess you did until you found her."
Out of all the people I have gone out of my way to do things for and that I made things for to make them feel better…
Only one person has actively reciprocated and made me feel appreciated.
I may say I want nothing in return, that I wanted to do it so you’d feel better, but you know what? I want to feel like I didn’t waste my time and do something you would never do for me.
One person has actively made me feel like I did a good thing and made them feel loads better.
Out of more than a dozen people I’ve gone out of my way to do things for. Writing, editing, gif-making. Whatever.
It starts to feel pretty shitty.
And I hate to use a cliche but if you think this is about you it probably is.
I have always felt this way
literally me and my life in a nutshell
Are you ever just overwhelmed by the horrifying thought that maybe, nobody ACTUALLY wants you around? And it’s not that you think everyone hates you, but it’s just that you’re not special to anyone? And that its really kind of sucky that you’re about 98% sure that nobody thinks “Wow, I just really like talking to her.” and that you could probably just disappear without anyone caring that much?
Yes, I recognize it isn’t healthy. But I tend to be a clingy person and when I see someone talking to people who aren’t me I get both upset and sad over it.
It comes from, y’know, being told you’re worthless and knowing that everybody lies and so they can SAY they love you, enjoy your company, etc., actions speak louder than words so when they’re interacting with someone a lot more than they are you, it kinda is a cycle of bad habits and unhealthy mentality.
Being told for months that your girlfriend really does love you, honest, she’s just confused and scared but then oh no she was just ~trying it out~ and never bothered to go ‘look I’m not sure about this sexual attraction business but I know I like you. I just don’t know in what way yet. But I’d like to try’ or something to that effect tends to fuck with you.
Having friends sing your praises to you and then you find out they’ve been sharing actually rather private convos as well as mocking you behind your back tends to fuck with you.
Being told ‘oh yeah. I’m not easily offended or upset. And I totally will be vocal if you do something I don’t like’ and then oops oh no apparently we forgot about that and woops something I did offended someone so badly they dropped off contact and yada yada. Having a problem involving me and then not telling me, especially when I have asked you earnestly and specifically to please come to me if you start getting even a little uncomfortable, doesn’t really help anything does it? I can’t fix what I don’t know I fucked up. And frankly, it’s cowardly behavior and you built yourself up to me to be above that. Yes, confronting a friend is hard. Trust me. I’ve agonized before on how to approach a friend about something. But it’s a lot better to open communication, to at least try to fix it, than to not bother at all. And if my behavior starts bothering you, don’t sit there and laugh and joke like everything’s gravy literally one day then the next it’s ‘yeah we can’t be friends anymore’ cause wow that ain’t cool. Because for me? It’s a 180 in personality and it makes you seem really fucking shady.
I realize my behaviors aren’t healthy. Telling me so doesn’t fix shit. It makes me feel worse. Calling a failure they’re a failure doesn’t do anything to help them.